Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I'm Not Ok

my mom shared this today on FB it's sorta perfect.  Thanks Mom.
Ever heard of the expression “when it rains it pours”?  That’s my life right now.  Although I feel extremely blessed that there are only a few rare moments in my life when I’ve thought “when it rains in pours”.  This moment?  It is one of them.
I found out on Monday that I’m being laid off and that my last day of work is next Friday 9/4.  This news obviously doesn't mix well with what I wrote about here.
With everything going on I’m currently in the denial stage of grief and I feel like the verge of depression that's been creeping in me is about to take a full on nose dive.  I honestly have no idea what to do.  I feel like the last few days of my life have been fake, how else can it be explained, except for it didn’t really happen?  But it did.
My first thought goes towards Helena and the fact that she now has two unemployed parents.  To say I’m scared is an understatement.  The silver lining in all of this is I’ve been with this company for almost 12 years and I’m getting a somewhat decent severance package.  Let’s go back to that 12 year deal.  Twelve years, that’s a long time.  I’ve always been an extremely stable person, and a good employee.  I have extremely good work ethic so being without a job makes me uncomfortable.    When I got my first fulltime job at 19 I stayed with that company for almost four years, that’s a long time when you are 19.  Then I moved to Denver, the job I moved for laid me off after 6 months.  (the company went out of business.)  after that I was without a job for six months, I remember at the time I had never been without a job, but how all the pieces just worked out…the same month that I got laid off I got a roommate (so my rent was cut in half) and I paid off my car (so I no longer had a car payment).  Having those two big expenses off of my shoulders helped relieve me a little.  After searching for a job for six months I got a job as a assistant manager at the fine jewelry counter at Foley’s (which is now Macy’s).  I excelled at the management stuff and sucked at the selling jewelry part.  I can’t remember exactly how it happened but while I was working there I got connected with Qwest.  And well the rest is history.  I went from selling jewelry to working for the phone company.  And now we are at present day.  I’ve been through so many changes and transitions since I started working here.  From working on the phones, having my first real boyfriend, working in the Union, changing positions, previous lay offs, losing weight, meeting Chris, merging from Qwest to CenturyLink, getting married, having a baby, getting promoted.  A lot has changed personally and professionally.  Through it all one thing was consistent.  And now that identity is gone.  In a flash.  I get lost in all the elements that I give myself a headache. 
Chris as a lot of prospects and we hope to find something out soon, but I’m not going to lie, that doesn’t give me a lot of comfort.  I feel like I’m in limbo and I hate it.  I had a really good thing with CenturyLink, good benefits, good pay, good vacation time.  Now I have to start over.  I’ve been doing what I can do, and that is praying.  I’ve been praying a lot.  I know that God will take care of us and put us in the space that we need to be in, but I’m so damn scared.  So I ask of you blogland give me all the good stuff you can give!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Summer Weekends

 At the early literacy fair at the Broomfield library.
 A girl and her tractor.
 At the beginning of the month we headed to Golden to go for a little “hike”.  This wasn’t a hike at all (it was completely paved) but we walked along a stream and got our feet wet!

The second weekend of the month we went to the Adams County Fair!  We saw lots of animals and had a great time

 She loves splashpads!

This past weekend was pretty jam-packed.  I honestly love weekends like this.  I like to spend my time being busy.  Friday we went to the Orchard for their free concert summer series.  We splurged and got a pizza and made it a fun family night out!  We got rained on a little bit, but after the rain we had fun walking around and dancing!
Saturday morning we headed out early to the Aurora Reservoir a good hour away from us for Helena to get her picture taken on the “beach”!  Helena even got some pictures with Grayson!  After the photo shoot we went home for a nap, then took off to Lafayette for a Peach Festival.  It was so hot!  But we enjoyed walking around and looking at all the vendors.  The peach smoothie and peach cobbler we fantastic!!!

And have I mentioned she loves to be outside!

Sunday, August 16, 2015

15 months

A lot is going on!  I feel like we are in the middle of summer and doing lots of fun things,...and I feel so behind on blogging...again.  As I think about recapping the past couple of weekends I want to document Helena's 15 month well visit that was on Friday.  The doctor is super happy with all of her developments and I'm proud to report she contiunes to be a happy and healthy baby!  We are blessed!

Weight: 20 pounds 8 ounces (39th percentile)
Length: 31 inches (65th percentile)
Head: 46 centimeters (59th percentile)

Helena is truly a doll and loves everything.  She loves to give kisses to anything and everything.  She is so loving. 
She still super happy in the mornings and when she wakes up from her nap.  Going into her room and seeing her so happy is a happy part of my day.
For the most part she's a good listener.  I've found that she listens best when you ask for things nicely and politely.  If you are harsh with her, she'll most likely ignore you.
Overall she's a good eater although gives challenges at times.  Her best and biggest meal of the day is breakfast.  Although sometimes she'll surprise us and eat a big snack at 5pm, then a full dinner at 6:30pm.  She prefers to fed herself and we're working on using utensils. 
We're currently working on taking away the nighttime bottle, and if I had to guess she'll be rid of it by this time next week. 
She's growing more and more confident in her walking skills and even runs! 
She loves to dance and laugh, and her favorite place to be is outside.
Her favorite word is cookie.  She constantly signs the word "cookie" when we put her in the highchair (that's to Grandma Sweat!). 
She can say: Mama, Dada, hi, bye, hello, happy, baby, bubbles, ball, purple, I do, and make noises.
When you ask her what a doggie says she'll say "woof", cat "meow", cow "moo", and tiger "grrr". 
It's pretty amazing.  If you ask her to say something, regardless of what the word is she'll usually at least attempt to say it back.
She usually wakes up for the day between 7:30am - 8:30am.  Have some milk and breakfast, then a snack around 11:30am, before nap time at 12noon.  Her average nap is about 2 hours.  Once she gets up she gets lunch.  Then a afternoon snack around 5pm, then dinner at 6:30pm.  Nighttime routine starts at 7:30pm with a bath, then reading, then down for the night usually around 8:15pm.
She's still in size 12 clothing, size 4 shoes, and size 3 (sometimes size 4) diapers. 
We are so lucky to have her!

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Not so Rosey

gym time

I’m on the verge of depression.  And have been for the past couple of months.  Although this time it’s a different experience because there are days I’m completely happy and fine.  Which for me and my past with depression, it’s usually all or nothing.  Either I’m depressed or I’m not.  This time, I feel very back and forth.  And it's confusing.  Some days I think “I’m ok” “I got this” but then other days I just feel sad.  I feel like I’m in a horrible funk.  It’s weird and I don’t like it.
I have so much going on in my head.  The first big thing is Chris not having a job.  I feel like it is all on me.  Again.  As we enter the fourth month with him unemployed it is starting to take a toll on our marriage.  I feel it is unfair to have all this weight on my shoulders.  I also feel jealous that he gets to be home with Helena.  The change in lifestyle because we now just have one income, and we are still living life, but with that we are going through our savings pretty quick.  Thankfully there are lots of fun free summer activities in our area!  I just feel like we are behind and to get back to where we were will take a lot of time.  It’s frustrating to say the least. 
Then there is the planner in me.  And when your husband isn’t working you can’t really plan anything, all you can do is live day by day.  And I will say I need to do more of that: live day by day.  But I can’t erase that planner in me overnight.  I will say that I’ve done pretty good over the past 4 months.  But we are nearing the end of summer, the soon to be here holiday season, and let’s not forget the possibility of baby number 2.  That’s the other big thing.  I have some serious baby fever.  And behind Chris not having a job, making Helena a big sister is what’s second on my mind.  I tell myself things will work out, mainly because they have to.  I think that if I were to get pregnant it’ll be ok.  Heck, when I got pregnant with Helena Chris didn’t have a job then, and everything worked out fine.  So I know it will be ok, but I’m not gonna lie.  I wish this was a hurdle we didn’t have to jump.  Plus I’m worried.  I’m not too sure how to not worry in a situation like this.  And the worry doesn’t help with my mental state. 
One thing helping with my sanity is my gym time.  It gets me out of the house and my endorphins running.  A work-out immediately gets me out of my “funk”.  It’s my time to strictly focus on me.  Which as a mom, is huge!  With my back mostly healed (it’s still sore in the mornings) I’ve been back into the gym and completed my first Dance Jam while staying injury free!  I’ve challenged myself to work-out 8 times this month.  I look back to my life in 2009 and 2010 and 2011 (pre-Chris) when a normal month for me was 20 work-outs.  In fact I’m pretty sure the last time I worked out 20 times in a month was before I met Chris.   Since having Helena I’ve been averaging about 4 work-outs a month, only once a week.  I think going from 4 to 8 is a good increase and something I can build on over time.  I’ve even signed up to do a 5K at the end of the month.  I’m absolutely terrified of this and crossing the finish line last, but I’ve set out to do it, so it’ll get done! 
I suppose right now I’m trying to control the things that I can control.  I know going to the gym helps with my feelings of sadness and being depressed, so I hope that will motivate me and get back to overall health!  Physically, emotionally, and mentally. 
I know that things could be much much worse.  I get that, I do.  I have this amazing daughter that gives me such a bright light in my life, a loving husband, and a good and stable job, and overall health within me and my family.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t pray for things to change or to get better.  I suppose we feel things could always be better. 
Life happens during these types of growing pains (because regardless of what is going on in life, life always happens) and I’m looking forward to what will hopefully be a better outcome for me and my family.
she's my light

Thursday, July 30, 2015

random thought thursday

i really think Helena must have
this vest.
hint hint grandparents who read this blog.


i need to start reading again.


i really need a mani/pedi.
my toes have been "naked" since last week and 
it's driving me crazy.


aren't you glad random
is back?
let's hope i keep it!


we (chris) found a dead rabbit
in the backyard last night.


i've been having a really good hair


i need an eye brow wax.


so really all of my needs are wants.
but i could totally go for some pampering.


i love the summer.
pool time.
the heat on my skin.
getting a tan.
the colorado summers are too short.


my newest guilty pleasure?:


speaking of TV.  chris and i are
binge watching
good stuff.


am i the only one that thinks it's weird the
nick cannon and
mariah carey
have never officially divorced?
i'm extremely curious.


i could totally go for a 


Wednesday, July 29, 2015

a lot

I have a lot going on in my mind as of late and I need to let it all out.  So in advance I apologize for the diarrhea of the mouth that is about to happen in this post. Same regards for any big grammatical errors and huge run-on sentences that I know I write.

Being a parent is scary.  I’m sure each generation has different worries and my current generation is no exception. 
I remember when I was 19 and Columbine happened.  I felt it hit “home” because Colorado was a neighboring state.  I immediately thought of parents dealing with this unquestionable situation.  How do you explain a classmate entering school and going on a shooting rampage?  I remember thinking that if I was a parent I would never let my kids go to school on April 20th again.  Then 9/11 happened.  I feel like when 9/11 happened a certain innocence went away from our society.  That anything bad can happen at any time.  That you are no longer safe where you thought you might be safe.  Then shooting after shooting after shooting.  The first action that prompted these thoughts were the verdict trial readings from the James Holmes case a few weeks ago.  I’m referencing the Aurora Theater Trial, where 12 people were killed and 70+ injured.  James was found guilty.  Chris and I watched the judge read off the first 100 counts…the first 24 were specific to the actual deceased victims, the later were the living injured victims.  Each guilty count that was read was identical except for the name.  I would imagine if I were a victim or relative of a victim hearing your loved ones name being read would lift some weight from your shoulders, that the person who did this is being held responsible.  Then another theater shooting recently in Tennessee.  We can’t go to the movies anymore?!
I think the positive out of all of this is the awareness it is bringing to mental health.  It is real and people need to be aware of the warning signs and recommend the appropriate help as soon as possible.  I’ve suffered from depression before and take no shame in that.  It is very real and super scary.
My biggest worry is about how to be a mom is this type of world.  How do I explain these types of actions to Helena?  I know there will be questions she’ll have that I won’t have answers to.  Having her go to school, go to the movies, etc…it scares the crap out of me.  I know I can’t live my life in fear and I don’t intend to, and my daughter will go off to school etc…but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry.  I think my biggest fear are the questions she’ll have.  I know that someday she’ll have US History and learn about 9/11 and she’ll wonder why there are people who would do something like that.  I just don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for those questions that I know will come. 
Then there is history happening that I’m proud of.  I’m so proud and happy that Helena will grow up knowing it is ok to marry whomever you want to marry.  At the end of June the US Supreme Court made the decision to make Gay Marriage legal in all 50 States.  I think this has been a long time coming!  Everyone knew it was just a matter of time, not so much a question of if but when.  Just how we think it was crazy that there was once a day when women couldn’t vote, or a African American women couldn’t marry a White man, one day people will think it is crazy that we didn’t allow a Man to marry another Man.  I can’t even imagine wanting to marry someone and being in love with someone, but not being allowed to.  I try to put myself in other people’s shoes to try and empathize with them.  And I think about my own journey of wanting to find love for such a long time.  Wanting to find that person that I could experience life with.  To marry.  Then finally finding that person and being unable to make it legally binding?!  I imagine that I would have been heartbroken all over again.  But, thankfully now, that is no longer the case.  Now it is no longer a factor.  So that person who is out searching for their person can marry them if they want.  It is no longer an issue, and for that I feel grateful. 
I think the biggest lesson this shows is that change will happen.  Some change is good some bad.  In my opinion this change is good.  And I’ll teach Helena that.
Being a parent is a scary thing.  And each parent is different because each child and each mom and dad are different.  But yet, we seems to always compare.  When really there should be no comparison.  I pray to God daily that He’ll guide me to be the best Mom to Helena that I can be.  I give Thanks that He has trusted me to take care of one of His children.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

my back

A post isn't a post without a picture of Helena.  7/4/15 day after I hurt my back.  I look happy but I'm in pain.
Thankfully my injured back from 2 and half weeks ago seems like a thing of the past, but for documentation sake I want to remember the details.
It was Friday July 3rd, I had the day off as the holiday for July 4th.  I was super excited to go to Dance Jam in the morning!  The gym was overly crowded from the holiday (that’s what I think anyways) so I had to park even farther away (further than normal) from the entrance to the gym.  I had Helena with me and I didn’t want to carry her all the way to the daycare so I carried her into the gym in my Beco carrier (this was the first time I’ve done this).  
It was the last 10-15 minutes of class and we were doing my current favorite song: “Centuries” by Fall Out Boy.  This is one of the songs that I know all of the choreography to, so I always look forward to it and just jam out in my own little world since I don’t need to look at Sarah (the instructor) for the routine.  And since I know all of the moves to this song I jam out hard!  There is part of the song where you do a squat forward while head banging your head, and that’s when I felt it.  I immediately felt the pain and discomfort in my lower left back.  This was about half way through the song, and I somehow completed the song.  I tried to do the next song (another favorite: “Your lips are moving, your lips are moving…”) but I couldn’t.  I could barely bend down to pick up my water bottle, and when I tried to get my towel off of the floor I got tears in my eyes.  I walked out of class.  I was scared.  Who knows if it looked “off” but I felt like I was walking funny, and I had to take the stairs one by one to get down to the locker room and to get Helena.  It was a weird place to all of a sudden be injured and moving so slowly while all of these people are moving swiftly going along their day. 
Anyways I got to my locker and put on my carrier while thinking I was so thankful I brought it, as I know that had I not had my carrier with me I would not have been able to carry Helena all the way back to my car.  I go get Helena from the daycare and ask one of caregivers to hand her to me as I couldn’t bend down to get her, all while I’m fighting tears.  I very slowly walk to my car and basically throw Helena into her car seat, at which she started crying.  I felt so bad, so then I started crying.  I got her all buckled in and called Chris to advise him of my injury.  Upon my arrival home Helena was asleep so Chris came to get her and put her down, then Chris came back to the car to help me into the house.  He got some ice and I plopped onto the couch.  It hurt so bad.  Later that afternoon my in-laws arrived.  The pain was agonizing.  Chris had to help me do everything, and so it was also incredibly embarrassing.  The only things I really remember about being home that day is keeping my back iced and Chris having to help me go to the bathroom.  I think at some point I contacted a friend who is also a instructor at the gym and also a physical therapist, seeking her opinion on my back. 
The next day was the 4th of July.  After a painful night’s sleep (I did get some sleep) I woke up with the brilliant idea to take a cold shower and that the cold water pounding on my back would be good.  I had previously heard Chris get up and assumed he would be in the house if I needed to yell at him for help.  I screamed myself into the shower and once I got in and realized I couldn’t lift my hands to do my hair I knew I had made a mistake.  I seriously couldn’t take my hands off of my hips.  So I stumbled out of the shower, somehow got a towel around me and fell to the floor while I screamed and screamed for Chris.  When I succumbed to the fact that the house was empty I did the next logical thing: cry.  Chris finally came into the bedroom to see what I assumed look like a big dead whale on the floor.  I can’t remember how exactly I got up off of the floor but we eventually solved the puzzle and got me to my feet.  I knew I wanted to get out of the house for the holiday so that afternoon we made our way to the 4th of July festivities.  This was the day I found that getting up and moving was much better than sitting.  
The next day was when we went to the pool.  This is where I took advantage of being “weightless” and tried to stretch out my back as much as possible.  On Monday 7/6 I booked a morning appointment with Lori and she advised me I strained my back in three different spots.  She showed me some stretches to help increase my mobility and advised me that I will get better.  Going into work was horrible.  I felt like I was walking like a stick was up my a$$ and to the side.  One co-worker looked at me and said “You look crooked.”  On Thursday I even went and got a 90 minute massage hoping that would help, but it didn't really.  By Friday 7/10 morning I was over it.  Who knows if something did get worse or it was just living with this chronic pain, but Friday morning I couldn’t get comfortable.  Every position I would try and sit in was uncomfortable so I kept adjusting and out of frustration and pain I just kept crying.  I thankfully had Friday off since my parents were in town.  I called my doctor’s office and got an appointment for that afternoon.  The doctor again advised me I would feel normal again and he advised giving me a shot.  I do not like needles.  The last time I got my blood drawn I passed out.  So I opted for the shot to me administer in the butt….and wow am I glad I did.  It took some convincing from the doctor to get this shot, and I’m glad I finally said “I guess.”  This shot seriously took away all of my pain!  I was able to get down on the floor and fully do all of the stretched that Lori told me about and I was able to feel “normal” again!  
Since then things have all been up hill.  I’ve had some discomfort but the past two days I’ve been essentially pain free!  I haven’t worked out yet but I’m super anxious to get back into the gym!
I gotta give a special shout out to my hot husband who was there for all my “fits” and emotional outbursts!  And for truly seeing me at my worse, and for massaging my back for a week straight!  Thank you for taking care of me, I love you.
This injury brought me a glimpse of what it could be like to live with chronic pain, I honestly don’t know how people do it.  It even hurt to sneeze or cough (the closest thing I can describe it to is the pain you experience when you have a c-section and it hurts to laugh/sneeze/cough, this was the same type of pain but in your back).  This injury as given me new motivation to get all of this extra weight off.  To be healthy and to not take my moving pain-free body for granted.